How to Talk About Cancer

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After a cancer diagnosis, one of the hardest questions isn’t medical, it’s personal: Who do I tell, and how much do I say?

In this episode, we’re talking about the often-overlooked reality of communicating about cancer. Whether you’re an introvert who prefers privacy or an extrovert who processes out loud, you get to choose your style of sharing. There is no “right” way, only what supports your energy, your nervous system, and your healing.

We explore the pressure to explain, the myth that you owe others comfort, and how learning to trust yourself again is a powerful part of thriving with cancer.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Speaker: Welcome to the Living to Thrive with Cancer podcast. I'm Kathryn White, holistic cancer coach and author. This is the place where we trade fear for hope, confusion for clarity, and overwhelm for empowered action. Whether you are newly diagnosed, living with cancer, or navigating life beyond it, each episode I'll share tools, insights, and real life inspiration to help you create a life that feels good to live right now in the middle of it all.

[00:00:29] Speaker: Let's thrive together.

[00:00:35] Speaker: Welcome to this episode of The Living to Thrive with Cancer Podcast. I am Kathryn White, your cancer coach, and the host of this podcast, and today I am here to talk with you today about how you, and if you talk about cancer, people living with cancer survivors and thrivers are always navigating real life conversations, and sometimes it can get a little bit complicated.

[00:01:00] Speaker: Being diagnosed with cancer doesn't just change your body. It changes the conversations that you have with other people. There's suddenly this unspoken question of the air in the. There is suddenly this unspoken question in the air of, do I even tell people? Who do I tell? How do I tell them? How much do I tell them?

[00:01:21] Speaker: And this is a really personal part of the cancer process. So today we wanna talk about this thing that's not really talked about, which is. Talking about cancer and you getting to choose the style of talking about cancer that feels the best for you. So whether you're someone who processes this quietly and privately, or someone who heals through talking things through both inside of your head and outside of your head, I want you to know that there is no right way.

[00:01:51] Speaker: There is only the way that is right for you. This conversation is about reclaiming your voice, honoring your energy. Learning to trust yourself. Again, learning to trust that inherent voice inside of you, of how you're going to move through this entire process. Because thriving with cancer isn't about meeting expectations, yours or other people's.

[00:02:13] Speaker: It's about building a life that supports you one choice at a time. So let's just take a moment here to acknowledge that. The moment after diagnosis, the question comes up, who do I tell and what do I even say? And we need to normalize the pressure that comes from feeling like you need to explain things to other people, the pressure to reassure other people that you are okay, and often reassuring them that they are okay and this pressure to say it the right way.

[00:02:44] Speaker: There are no rules around cancer and everybody's story and how everybody manages it is different. So it's really important that we just sort of level the playing field and allow you to choose the way that feels right for you. You are not required to make your cancer experience comfortable for other people, and that is a really important part of this conversation around conversations.

[00:03:10] Speaker: So let's begin with the idea that there is this belief or this myth out there that you need to explain to people what is happening. There's like this whole cultural piece of those of us that overshare and those of us that are really silent about things, and neither of them is right or wrong. Some people need to really tell everybody everything, and other people just wanna be really quiet and keep it inside of themselves.

[00:03:37] Speaker: But there can be this pressure to let other people know because people are going to start to wonder, let's be honest, people are going to start to wonder like, why are you showing up differently? Why do you look different? Why are you behaving differently? And perhaps why has your mood changed? And this is like that positivity, pressure, that thing that you need to just show up cheery and, and like everything's gonna be okay and everything is all right, whether you've told people or not.

[00:04:06] Speaker: And this can lead you to feeling like, well, I need to be brave and I need to share, or I need to be strong and I need to just do this myself and not tell other people. You already have a lot on your plate when you have cancer. So adding this conversation piece on top of it is huge, and that's why we're talking about this today.

[00:04:24] Speaker: We wanna consider when you're explaining to other people that this can be a real. Energy drain for you. This having to talk about it and talk about it and tell it and figure out how you're going to tell it. It can create guilt around oversharing or it can create guilt around not sharing enough, or not telling people, or only telling certain people.

[00:04:46] Speaker: There's no rules. It's again, what feels right for you and. Sometimes when we focus more on the external and worrying about how it looks and appears to other people, we take our focus away from the healing, and the healing is the most important part of the process. So talking about cancer is not a moral obligation.

[00:05:09] Speaker: It is not written into the cancer contract that you have to talk about it. You can tell other people. And still not talk about it. And we'll talk a little bit about that as we move through this episode. I want you to remember that privacy is not secrecy, it's self protection. And on the flip side of that, sharing is not a problem.

[00:05:36] Speaker: It's also a form of self-protection. So I wanna move through this conversation from the perspectives of the introverts, those people that are more keeping things on the inside, keeping to themselves, not the oversharers and the extroverts who are much like myself, people who need to say things outside of their head in order for them to process it.

[00:05:58] Speaker: Introverts often experience cancer conversations by processing things internally. They go inside to be reflective and to question and to really figure out what has happened and what am I going to do with all of this as opposed to the extrovert who is going to be a little bit more open perhaps about this.

[00:06:21] Speaker: The introvert might feel overwhelmed after they've told people, or even before they've told people about this idea of repeated questions of people asking them over and over, how are you? Where are you in your process? How's treatment going? What's going on in your life? That can be very overwhelming for someone who is very private inside and doesn't want.

[00:06:43] Speaker: To have to retell the story over and over. I mean, telling the story once that you have cancer is difficult enough, and so if you have to tell it again and again and again, if you're a very private person, that can be very, very challenging. Oftentimes, introverts don't like to be the center of attention, and I've heard people, I've had clients say that to me.

[00:07:04] Speaker: Like if I tell people, then I feel like all the focus is going to be on me, and I don't want that focus on me. I don't want to be drawing in all of this attention when I really just need this quiet space to be. So common struggles that introverts might feel are this feeling of being misunderstood as being closed off?

[00:07:27] Speaker: Well, they don't wanna talk to other people, or they're not interested in sharing their story, or they don't want support from other people, and, and that's not true. The introvert, as I said, just processes things. Differently. So it's not that they're closing themselves off, it's more that they are protecting their own energy by self-regulating who they tell, how they tell, when they tell, and who they talk to.

[00:07:52] Speaker: But what might come up for someone who is less inclined to share is this guilt of not wanting to talk because. You know, cancer is very talked about in society now. It's become more commonplace, which is a good thing, but it can also create this pressure to put your story out there, to be online, telling people what's going on with you, to share with everybody at the office, even though you don't know everybody at the office.

[00:08:17] Speaker: And then the whispers that get shared on your behalf and the people that are talking about it when it's really such a deeply personal, private thing. So for an introvert, I want to offer to you that you are allowed to share with whomever you want, and that may only be a few trusted people. You do not need to broadcast your story to the world.

[00:08:43] Speaker: You don't need to put it on social media. I've known people that have gone through the whole process and they didn't tell anybody. People who didn't even know that what was this was happening in their lives. My own neighbor didn't even know that I had cancer because we just moved about our daily life.

[00:08:59] Speaker: Other people knew, but they didn't know. We just didn't feel like that was an across the driveway conversation to have with people that we live near, but we didn't really have a, a deeper relationship with. And that's that sort of oversharing piece that I'm talking about. You don't need to overshare with people and you don't have to share with people.

[00:09:20] Speaker: If you are going to share, as an introvert, you might want to just use short contained language things that are, you know, this is what I have, this is what I'm going through, and I just appreciate any moral support that you have. And that leads to setting clear conversational boundaries. I got to a point in my process where I had to say to people, like, I actually just don't feel like talking about this.

[00:09:44] Speaker: And that can feel rude. It can feel like you might be offending other people, but the truth is you're just protecting your own energy and setting boundaries and healthy boundaries when you have cancer are very, very important examples of introvert friendly communication can be things like, I'm dealing with some health stuff and I'm supported.

[00:10:08] Speaker: And just leave it at that. You don't have to go into detail or, well, I'll share more when I'm ready. And that says to that person, yeah, there's is something going on here, but I'm not prepared to talk about this with people right now. And you can also assign a person if you want people to know, but you don't want to be the voice of, of the cancer experience that you're living through.

[00:10:32] Speaker: You can have someone do that for you. Have that person at work or that family member be the designated deliverer of information so that you don't feel obligated to expend your energy and your time and your emotional resources on that. Quiet healing is still powerful healing. It doesn't have to be loud if that's not your style, if that's not your personality, you don't have to do it in a way that is loud and boisterous and public quiet.

[00:11:06] Speaker: Healing is still healing. On the flip side of the introverts are those more extroverted people. Those people who are more expressive, more verbal, more outward, and so they're going to process how they talk about cancer differently, that the talking part in itself can help to regulate emotions because there's this internal dialogue happening that is expressed outside of the body and therefore it, it moves the energy around what's happening inside of the person.

[00:11:39] Speaker: And it can create this connection with other people. Sometimes, you know, you meet other people who have a story that you're willing to listen to, and as an extrovert, you're not going to have that opportunity of reassurance or messages of hope or you know, positive outcomes that other people have had. If you're keeping it inside, sometimes the extrovert needs that reassurance from the outside that they are going to be okay, and that allows them to feel seen.

[00:12:07] Speaker: And to feel grounded in what's happening in their life and in their body. Common challenges that an extrovert may face is that regret of oversharing, like, oh, did I say too much or Did did my cancer story negatively impact or emotionally impact someone who has also gone through this and they're not ready to hear someone else's story yet?

[00:12:30] Speaker: Or that feeling judged for being too open. That person who's telling everybody everything. There's no, there's no right or wrong. It's the right that feels good for you. And so it's just really good to have this awareness around who you are as a person and who you wanna talk to and how much you wanna talk about it.

[00:12:50] Speaker: So if you are an extrovert, a little bit of a reframe around this dialogue piece for you can be that your openness is not attention seeking. This is not necessarily an attention seeking moment. It's just. An extrovert is going to need to expend that energy and share that information outside of themselves, and also expression can be a healing tool.

[00:13:16] Speaker: Sometimes keeping it inside. I've talked about this in other episodes, keeping it inside can be really challenging and can be overwhelming, and it can cause a person to sit in their emotions and ruminate on them, whereas getting those words and those feelings outside of yourself can provide a support network and allow you to feel like you're supporting yourself by moving through what you're experiencing.

[00:13:43] Speaker: Strategies that can support you if you're more of an extroverted person. A person who wants to share is to choose safe audiences. You don't have to tell the whole world. You don't have to announce it on social media. Maybe you have a core group of friends or close family members or people at your workplace that mean a lot to you, that you know are going to be there with and for you.

[00:14:07] Speaker: That they're not getting the information for titillating gossip. They're getting it because you need them to know and they are going to be your people. And then of course there's the strategy of creating those boundaries around yourself, around the advice and the opinions of others. Because when you tell, people will tell you stories of somebody that they know who had cancer and how that story went.

[00:14:32] Speaker: Or there's the people who will start giving you all of the advice of the things that you should be doing, the supplements you should be taking, the juicing, the exercise, the, the meditations, all of these things and more. That they feel are helpful but might be overwhelming for you, and I wanna offer that.

[00:14:53] Speaker: It's important to know when to walk away, know when talking is helpful. And know when it is drainful and that you can always walk away from the conversation. It's a really fine line between how much you share and how much you don't share, and who and when, all of those pieces. But just trust yourself on the inside that you are going to know when it is right for you, who's right for you, and how much you want to share.

[00:15:24] Speaker: Speaking your truth out loud can be a form of strength and self-trust. And that is a really critical piece in the healing process, is believing in yourself, trusting yourself to make the choices that are best for you. So you get to choose your style. Most people are not purely introvert or extrovert. You might need to, um.

[00:15:47] Speaker: Change things as it goes along. Like this is a, this is a very fluid process. Life with cancer is a very fluid process and it's gonna change depending on who you're with and where you are. So, and where you are in your process. Like, there's going to be different seasons in your treatment plan. There's before you start it, as you're in it afterwards, there's going to be moments where you're going for tests, there's going to potentially be moments of recurrence.

[00:16:13] Speaker: And so. Who and how you tell is going to fluctuate based on where you are, and it's also going to fluctuate based on your different relationships. What you say to your closest friends versus what you say to people at your work are possibly probably going to be two different things, and that's okay. Also, the energy levels that you maintain throughout this process are going to fluctuate.

[00:16:37] Speaker: There's going to be times when you're just tired and you just don't want to share, or you don't want to share too much, and there's other times when your energy is going to give you that desire to share with other people and, and draw in that support from external sources. The nice thing is that when you are taking control.

[00:17:00] Speaker: Over how you speak to people. You can change your mind. You can wait to tell people. You can tell people as much or as little as you want. You can change your mind through this process. Maybe you don't tell a lot of people at first, and then all of a sudden you decide that you're ready to share. I have worked with women who are adamant that they're not telling anyone.

[00:17:26] Speaker: And then as we talk together more and more, they start to get more comfortable with the conversation. We talk about how do you talk about it? Who do you wanna say it to, when do you wanna say it? And what words we even talk about, like what words do you wanna use to share this with other people? And you can change your mind because you are a sovereign human being.

[00:17:47] Speaker: You get to change your mind. So it's this idea of maybe. Talking less now and more later, or the opposite. It is entirely up to you how you want to handle this. So maybe ask yourself like what feels supportive for you right now? Who feels supportive for you right now? Who feels safe enough for you to share this deeply intimate part of your life with and knowing that because sharing or holding costs you energy, it is a, a currency of energy in your body.

[00:18:20] Speaker: What's going to give back to you? How are you going to replenish that energy? Does the energy of other people replenish you or does it deplete you? Like these are good questions to ask yourself when you're thinking about sharing. So communication ties into your boundaries. Who you're telling, when you're telling, how you're telling your identity, whether you are a sharer or not, and the trust that you have in yourself to know when is the right moment and who are the right people and what you want to say.

[00:18:50] Speaker: You might even have this thought that you're not doing it right, that you're doing it wrong. You're telling people in the wrong way, you're telling the wrong people, but this isn't true. You have never been through this before. So how do you know what to do when you have never had this experience before and maybe you've never been taught to be the center of your own world?

[00:19:16] Speaker: So when you tell people that you have cancer, it suddenly becomes very you centered. This is about you and what's happening in your life, and maybe that's uncomfortable in itself. You don't wanna be the center of attention and you don't know how to talk about yourself as if you are the center of attention.

[00:19:33] Speaker: And a lot of us have been conditioned to manage other people's emotions. When you tell other people they are going to have an emotional response, are you prepared? For their emotional response and how their response is creates a response in you. Do you feel like you need to manage other people at a time when you are trying to manage yourself?

[00:19:57] Speaker: That's really going to depend on your personality and your personal history, but it's a really valuable thing to consider when you're having the conversation around having the conversation. Talking about cancer is not a linear conversation. It is going to ebb and flow in the seasons of your cancer treatments, in the seasons of your life, where you are in the process, who you are surrounded with, what you feel inside, and all of that needs to be honored and respected by yourself when you're making these decisions, because cancer conversations can become very big conversations, whether it's inside of yourself or with others.

[00:20:42] Speaker: Just, I want to remind you that sharing and telling other people is your choice of who you tell, how you tell, and when you tell. If this episode brought up something for you, relief, permission, maybe a little bit of discomfort even, I want you to know that that's okay. Learning to communicate from a place of self-trust is a deeper part of the healing work.

[00:21:10] Speaker: It's a really beautiful and important part of the healing work inside the Cancer Thriver Pathway program. We focus on exactly this. We focus on reconnecting with yourself, setting boundaries that feel supportive and learning how to live fully alongside cancer, not being defined by. If you're interested in my Cancer Thriver Pathway program, this is what you get inside of that space.

[00:21:37] Speaker: You get access to 12 modules of the pathway that include audios, videos, downloadable worksheets and guides. You get 12 personalized one-to-one coaching sessions with me, your cancer coach, who has the lived experience of going through this process myself, and we talk about you and your needs and what you need to move from survivor to thriver.

[00:21:59] Speaker: And this also includes a resource center that is full of guides and programs that I've created, especially for cancer Thrivers. These are based on what I have learned over the last 11 years of living with cancer and from the dozens of women that I have coached. And in between calls, you get email and text access to me for that little bit of extra support that you might need in the in between.

[00:22:23] Speaker: If you're ready for personalized support, I would invite you to book a coaching call and explore whether the cancer thriver pathway is the right next step for you. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to be willing to choose yourself. One breath, one conversation, and one moment at a time.

[00:22:45] Speaker: This coaching space is designed to help you build confidence in yourself. Learn how to navigate day-to-day life appointments, and the unknown, and to help you reclaim your identity beyond the diagnosis. You can find the link to book a call in the show notes. So just a gentle reminder that you do not have to figure this out alone, and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone in any situation, and you don't have to explain yourself to be worthy of support.

[00:23:16] Speaker: However you choose to talk about cancer or not talk about it at all, let it be a choice that is rooted in self-care and self-trust, not obligation. Thank you so much for joining me here today. If you have enjoyed this episode, please leave a five star review and share it with anyone else who could use the support of this episode.

[00:23:39] Speaker: And if you'd like to join my Thriver community, just click on the link below. You'll get a free download and you will be added to my list of people who receive information in their mailbox every week. Stay updated on events, podcast episodes, and more in my Cancer Thriver community. Thank you so much for joining me on the Living to Thrive with Cancer Podcast.

[00:24:01] Speaker: I hope you have a beautiful rest of the day and may you live your life to your fullest. Follow your heart and thrive in all you do now for the serious stuff. The contents of this podcast are solely the opinion of the podcaster who is not a physician. The information is presented for educational purposes only, and is not intended to diagnose or prescribe for any medical or psychological condition, not to prevent, treat, mitigate, or cure such condition.

[00:24:31] Speaker: The advice in this podcast is not intended as medical advice and should not replace a one-to-one relationship with a doctor or qualified healthcare professional.